How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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