Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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