i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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