I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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