I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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