you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
