; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
