remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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