He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
