I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
