so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
