Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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