Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
