She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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