Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
