She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
