4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
ttyl tear gas
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
