I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
