would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
