We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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