I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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