I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
