the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
