Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
