you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
