Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
