If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
