my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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