I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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