the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
