Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
