Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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