What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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