If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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