I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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