He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
