I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
