I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
