Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize