Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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