"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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