This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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