My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
