I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
