So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
