i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
