he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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