My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
