I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
