Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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