She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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