I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
