Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
