can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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