I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
