he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
