If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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