Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
