Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
