Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
